Not Without Me
by InnocentGuilt
Summary: He really had been so convinced that he would go first. Slash Jim/Bones, character death


A life without Jim wouldn't be worth living, Bones decided.

Hell, life without Jim hardly_ qualified_ as living. There would be nothing left for him. Without Jim he had no one he really wanted to talk to. The Senior officers aboard the_ Enterprise_ were all close, had been for years, but they were nothing if Jim wasn't there by his side. He would have nothing that really interested him. He would have nothing that made him happy.

Jim had been all of that. He had been sunshine and a reason for even opening his eyes in the morning for_ so_ long…

He was left with the prospect of so many memories, good and bad…mostly good. And he didn't want that. He didn't want to carry their lives around on his own; didn't want to keep smiles hidden because those smiles were meant to be shared. He didn't want to spend every waking moment trying to avoid the urge to tell Jim something, only to remember that he wasn't there. He didn't want to do anything without Jim.

He knew that after Jim, he had changed drastically. He had gone from a painfully private man, to a simply private man, and that was less private than he would ever care to be left with in the aftermath of Jim's death. He couldn't quite function as a private man, because simply being private meant that people still knew him to some degree. It meant that they still saw glimmers. It meant that they would want to help. And there was no help after the kind of help Jim had always been. He would just simply be; like an android. He would only do as he was needed and he knew it.

It wasn't proper for a Chief Medical Officer to behave that way.

So he decided that he simply wouldn't.

_What went wrong simply went wrong. What happened didn't really matter anymore as Jim and Bones lay on the floor of the Cardassian Embassy. It just happened that way._

_It seemed that they had been made the center of attention in this expansive room, for pleasure or for support or for the inability to just leave the room. Bones supposed it was something to all of them to watch not just one man fall too the hard tile floor due to poison, but two. He didn't look around the room at all though. He knew who was there. Cardassian officials, Cardassian citizens…their senior crew. _

_God, Bones could only imagine their faces. Watching him and Jim crumple to the ground together…what they must think of their fearless captain and stoic doctor now._

_Jim had pulled himself to lie across Bones chest, and though the public display would have caused Bones aggravations in the past, he couldn't really force himself to care at that moment. After all, nothing is more sacred than touch to a dying man. Jim doesn't speak as they wait for the poison to take claim. Bones thinks its better that way. Conserving energy and all that. He doesn't think he could take it if he had to listen to Jim's voice fade in and out. _

_Jim turned his head in a way that was probably uncomfortable, but it didn't matter. Nothing ever mattered to Jim as long as he got what he wanted and he apparently wanted to be able to see Bones. He looked into blue eyes, dull and lackluster in the face of this tragedy. He wanted to say something to help but…there wasn't anything to say._

_What went wrong simply went wrong. It was too late now. Thinking about it, it had always been too late. Humans in general were a reactionary race, responding_ after_ crisis and sorting through the debris. He and Jim were no different. They weren't an exception. It was just the way it was._

_Didn't make it any easier for either of them. _

_They were both in pain; they were both sorting through the debris in the brief time they had left together._

_Jim slowly trailed his hand up Bones' blue shirt, fingers buckling before wrinkles in fabric as if it just took too much energy to keep them straight. The doctor didn't dare call him on it. Didn't do anything at all, except look into sad blue eyes, amazed at himself for never realizing how startling Jim's eyes were when they were next to even more blue. He was amazed at a lot of things he had never noticed about Jim. The list never ending, spanning from the small crinkles at the corners of his eyes to how absolutely warm he was lying against his chest. _

"_Bones," he whispered quietly into the expanse of blue cloth, his breath seeping into the threads and warming the other man's skin._

_He breathed out, his breath barely ruffling the captain as it brushed against his face. The only response was that Jim lowered his eyelids just the slightest bit, further defining the never-ending blue in a frame of dark lashes. If Bones could have immortalized that look, that one right there…_

_But he couldn't. Nothing could be immortalized, not even Jim Kirk._

_Gently he placed his hand over Jim's, holding on like it was the last thing he would_ ever_ do. Still looking into his lover and captain, he shook his head as much as he could. "Don't." _

It was odd to Bones that he never noticed how intricately woven in his life Jim was. The man had become his everything. Jim had been his friend, his confidant, his hope, his love. A night without Jim had been unbearable. He couldn't imagine trying to go a lifetime without him. He really didn't know how he had managed before meeting an unruly young man who looked more likely to commandeer a Starfleet ship than to actually obtain one the proper way. He supposed it had a lot to do with the old adage.

You can't miss what you never had.

He was beginning to think that he could though, because looking over his life these last few seconds, he had_ missed_ Jim_ all his life._ Every single person he had tried to be with, every person who had hurt him, or who he had accidentally hurt, every person he pushed away was pushed away due having a lack of Jim Kirk finesse. It was a horrifically sentimental thing to think, to even admit to himself. However, at this point he would admit it was love at first sight if anyone asked.

He had been willing to admit a lot of things since the day the Cardassians had decided to punish Pavel,_ Pavel Chekov_, of all people, for stealing precious Cardassian books of knowledge.

He could even, if pressed,_ begrudgingly_ admit that Spock was a_ decent_ sentient being, and that he could captain a ship relatively well. But it wouldn't be the same onboard the_ Enterprise._ Spock was just too much logic and not enough gut instinct.

They all knew when Pavel had been accused, that the sentence for any crime in the Cardassian laws of_ nonsense_ was death.

No one could let that happen, but they were bound by intergalactic law to uphold peace between the Cardassians and the Federation. They had to pay the price, even if the kid hadn't done anything. It really had been no surprise to Bones when Jim had stepped up to take responsibility for the false charges. It made sense. The captain would do anything to keep his crew safe.

Still hadn't stopped Bones from feeling like the floor had just dropped out from under his feet.

Because…

Because he had just been so sure he would go first; had been desperate to make sure_ he_ went first. He had always made sure that he was up to the latest medical procedures so he could always save Jim. He guessed he should have known medical journals wouldn't be enough to keep Jim safe. After all, the man had a way about finding loopholes in every rulebook. Finding a loophole in Bones' plan to keep him alive…that was no surprise.

Really, it wasn't surprising.

_It was deathly quiet as they all waited with baited breath. None of the crew wanted this to end, not really, because it would end in one less crew member. The Cardassians were eating this up, though. The sick bastards. Bones' knew they were getting some sadistic pleasure in watching the captain of the_ U.S.S Enterprise_ fall apart in the middle of the Cardassian Embassy. It was probably gratifying to them and they would probably do everything they could to rub it in the Klingon's faces. _

_Bones' tried not to pay that thought any attention. He tried to focus on the man who was lying on his chest and he succeeded quite well. He focused on the way Jim's chin dug into his breast bone; on the way his hand stroked down blue clad ribs in the laziest and last display of affection Bones would ever receive from him; he focused on Jim's breathing, finding shallow comfort in it. He liked how warm Jim was, because as time passed on Bones was feeling increasingly cold in light of the events. _

_He didn't notice the way his back was digging into the floor, the dull tension in his eyes that came with staring at Jim too long. He didn't notice most of his discomforts. He focused on Jim, and on the slow numb that was starting in his chest and spreading outwards over his body. He would have thought it would numb the pain he was feeling, yet somehow it only intensified._

_He shifted a little, though it took too much energy, to relieve the numb that was taking over his body. It wouldn't help he knew, but he had to try, had to find a way to make this moment last as long as it could. Jim didn't like the movement at all. He got a wild look in his eyes and his hands dug into blue cloth, holding onto Bones as if he had the strength to never let him go. _

"_Don't leave me," Jim sputtered, his eyes searching over Bones face, frantically trying to memorize every detail._

_Bones smiled tearfully, reaching to grasp Jim's hand with all that he had in him. "I'm right here, Jim," he said sadly. "It'll be okay."_

_Jim stared at him hollowly, his eyes loosing their glow, and shook his head slowly, a sad smile working his face. "You're a terrible liar, old man." _

They stayed like that for a while, with Jim's hand in his. Every once in a while, Jim would cast his tearful gaze around to the people in the room. To the Cardassians, and his crew all of whom were crying, but his gaze always returned to Bones and Bones never let his eyes leave Jim.

He didn't want to remember Jim like this. It was really a terrible memory to keep, but it was the last one he'd ever really have of his lover. It was the last time he'd be able to see him this close. Even if Jim's eyes were misty, and even if his lips were going darker and darker because the fool wouldn't stop pressing them together, as if his lips were the damn to his emotions, and_ even if_ he couldn't make Jim smile one last time just for him, it was better than having nothing at all.

He pressed a shaking hand to Jim's face, gently chasing after a tear with his thumb. He turned his face toward Bones' warm palm, pressing a kiss to it before admitting quietly, so quietly that not a single soul in the room could hear him,

"I love you."

Bones turned his head away from the sad sight Jim provided when he said that. He had never said it before, and Bones would be happy if he didn't have to hear it now. It just made this so much harder than it already was. It made this entire thing too real for his liking. The consequences of their actions were made solid by those three words, it seemed.

As if the pain he was undergoing wasn't enough.

He blinked his eyes hard against the pain going through his system and the tears welling just behind his eyelids. "Dammit Jim, you know I love you, and I'll carry you with me,_ wherever_ I go."

A life without Jim wasn't worth living, he decided. So, as his captain, his best friend, his lover had stepped forward to accept the punishment on behalf of his crew; Bones had jumped in his way, offering himself up to take the punishment.

After all, what went wrong simply went wrong.

He couldn't live without Jim. So he took the poison, instead.

He hadn't known Jim felt the same way.


End file.
